Some people are just happy. I don't know how they could be like that but I always jealous. When you ask me about my past, maybe all I could remember is that how much I've been irritated by hurt and trauma. I always think why it happend to me, but maybe I'm the one who make it happened. I'm the one who over drama about live. I've raised with the idea to be the right person -mungkin itu adalah ide yg bagus, tapi sebenarnya menyakitkan- when I did something wrong i used to be blame. and since then I keep blaming myself when things going wasn't like what I want. I keep change. I criticize myself even harder than anyone else, tears are countless. I did everynight. the feeling to be rejected, to be blamed, are poisoning myself so many years. sometimes when I was very vulnerably I punish myself to be strongest. It irritated me to do a wrong thing. I remember when I was in kindergarden, my friends have a bike and because I don't have. when they playing with their bike they told me to run towards them (that was my first impression about friend) kalo temanmu punya barang yg bagus tapi kamu gak punya mereka ga akan peduli kalo kamu sedih atau sakit.
when I was in the elementary school, I even doesn't have any friend. I've got this best mark at school and suddenly everybody is hating me. that time I don't know that they just jealous, all I know is just "why nobody want to be my friend?" -maybe it's the one which make me doesn't really like to show what I really capable of -just a theory- kadang aku berfikir kalo kamu menunjukan semua kemampuan mu bukannya disukai, orang2 malah akan membencimu. but that's NOT TRUE. sayang bgt kalo kmu menyembunyikan kemampuanmu cuma karena takut dibenci orang2 FACT: apapun yg km lakukan orang2 tetap akan membencimu kalau mereka ingin. Junior high school I made bestfriends. I love them more than anyone-even my self. and I falling in love with a boy, very deep, for years. but I never know my bestfriend love him too. they leave me for this guy. lie to me. I feel betrayed. but none of us get with this boy. I honestly don't know what this boy even feeling, it's still mistery till today, haha but I feel really hurt. someone you trust, you love, hurt you lies you. high school- I couldn't remember anything. I feel like dead. all I remember is that I study really hard to get in my college.
I'm not a rich people or come from any enough material background. makan makanan sederhana, memikirkan anggaran. dsb. dari dulu inget banget pengen banget beli barbie, I never bought. well I bought the cheap one haha :) when everyone have enough money to buy anything that I want but doesn't use it well I always think, If I have that I would make the world, haha. so if you have capabilities to have something, appreciate it, some people who need it more couldn't get it. take benefit of your belonging, spend it wise. the last one, I'm in love with a man, love him more than anything, I don't know why. but he leaving me for somebody else. you know I keep blaming myself for that, but the last one really bring a great impact in me, positive. yes might be I cry everyday for year. but I become somebody I never be, braver, stronger, smarter, better. whether being hurt all I wanna say is thankyou honestly.
I write it to forget it. I'm done with 21 years drama. It's true feeling I have ever felt, never ashamed of it, never sorry. you can ask me anytime. aku berterimakasih atas semua kejadian yang membuat aku menjadi seperti sekarang, berterimakasih terhadap semua orang yang membuat ku menjadi orang yg lebih baik. tapi 21 tahun sudah cukup. mulai hari ini dan selanjutnya I completely new person who surround myself with gratitude, positive mind, and want to be better not because any trauma. but because I want it.
thankyou so much for reading. sejujurnya aku gak nyangka kalo ada yg maw baca ini, haha. Tapi bagi siapapun yg baca terimakasi banyak, aku berdoa semoga apa yg aku tulis ini bisa bermanfaat untukmu, amin. dihari2 ku yg lalu aku berharap bgt ada orang yg mau menulis seperti ini. that's my motivation. thankyou somuch love, kiss, hug, world and roses.
recently I love running, it sets me free, relaxing, better than smoking believe me. oh yea I even try smoking, but I quit. It doesn't give me benefit, and I don't have much money to be burn. no, I don't drink or drug. never tried. anyway running makes me happy.
one thing I really love about running: you always move forwad, as best as you can.
today I know that I wasn't perfect but I'm proud to admit my less and my best.
I love you for who you are, finni xoxo